Do you ever...

...just want to apologize to your kids for their poor fortune in inheriting your worst qualities and traits?  Or for their genetic makeup that was not of their choosing(obviously)?  I don't know...maybe I am the only one. 

I was thinking about this after a recent discussion with Katherine's teacher.  You all know (well anybody that has been following this blog for a while knows) that my oldest daughter Emily has ADD.  I don't think I or my parents necessarily realized it at the time but reflecting back, and looking at myself now as an adult, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I am the picture perfect painting of someone with attentional issues.  It manifests in different ways as an adult.  I am the world's worst procrastinator(though I do find that under pressure is the only way I work to my capacity).  I jump from one thing to another before I have finished the first thing.  My follow through skills leave a lot to be desired.  I would literally forget my entire life if I didn't have it staring me down in multiple locations...calendars, post it notes, electronic devices etc.  I can't even tell you what I am doing tomorrow without consulting my calendar.  I don't plan anything that I am not forced to (for example scheduled appointments).

For Emily, her concerns are a direct result of her confirmed medical issues.  After she was diagnosed with Epilepsy, as part of a normal barrage of testing to find out if her seizures had a definable cause, her MRI came back showing a "never before seen" abnormality in the frontal lobes of her brain.  Since the frontal lobes control all things like attention and other executive functions, Emily's concerns in this area make sense.  Though I have never had an MRI of my brain, I have no reason to believe that I have this same condition, nor do I for Katherine who is progressively displaying some of the same symptoms her sister and I have displayed, and some different ones as well.

It becomes clearer to me as we move through this life that these types of things obviously "run" in families.  Whether there is an identifiable medical concern that could cause such attention deficits as in Emily's case, or if it is some intricate part of our genetic make up, I do not know.  It is possible that simply the way we live our everyday lives has some influence on this as well.  Are we making the right decisions about certain things?  Could situations be handled in different ways achieving different outcomes in regard to the level of attention that is given?

I don't know the answers and I suspect I never will, at least not in a concrete sort of way.  What I do know is this: I need to get rid of the guilt. I also need to remind myself that they may have gotten the worst but they also got the best of me.  And if the best of me is some of what I see in them everyday?  The best of me is pretty damn good.

Perspective...

"In the depths of winter...

...I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

~Albert Camus~

Thankful

In keeping with tradition, I posted on Facebook everyday during the month of November (ok, well a lot of days) one reason I was thankful. I kept track of all of these posts and thought I would chronicle them here.

-Today I am thankful in advance for the patience and understanding the universe is hopefully going to bestow upon me so that I will actually survive the teenage years.

-Today I am thankful for my patience and easy going nature. Both have come in quite handy.

-Today I am thankful that my teenage daughter actually likes me for a minute. Those of you with teens know how precious a moment in time like this truly is.

-Today I am thankful for my ability to read. It may seem silly, but reading brings me so much pleasure and knowledge, I can't imagine my life without it.

-Today I am thankful because Ryun has been back to work for two weeks. I know how lucky we are that he is back and only missed seven months.

-Tonight I am thankful for the enthusiastic group of PTA volunteers who came up with some great ideas for the PTA and community.

-Today I am thankful for all who have, all who are and all who will serve this country. Thank you hardly seems like enough.

-Today I am thankful for caffeine.

-Today I am thankful for whatever this random motivation that has found its way to me over the past couple of days. Crossing things of of the to do list feels good.

-Today I am thankful for and so very proud of Julia.

-Music can be such a powerful thing. There have been many times in my life where music has inspired me, soothed me and gotten me through a rough day. For this reason, I am thankful for music and my ability to hear.

-Today I am thankful for the gift of sight. I have seen many beautiful things in my life and for that I am very grateful.

-Today I am thankful for my parents and my sisters. Put simply: my family rocks!

-Today I am thankful for my children. They have taught me more about life, love and patience than I could have ever thought possible.

-Today I am thankful for Katherine. Eleven years ago today (Thanksgiving Day 1999) I was blessed with one of the most amazing and beautiful reasons to be thankful...my daughter Katherine Elizabeth. Happy 11th Birthday Katherine...thank you for bringing so much joy and laughter to my life!


Happy Thanksgiving!

Julia's Parent Teacher Conference...

...confirmed for me once again that the decision to have her repeat Kindergarten was the best decision that could have been made for her.

She has started this year off being ahead of the game, passing all of the beginning of the year assessments with flying colors. Socially she appears to overcome all of the inhibitions she had. She no longer has trouble making decisions during free time. She is making good choices about who she interacts with in the class (steers clear of the "troublemakers"). She uses language appropriately in social situations and is interacting freely and with ease. She is confident, well spoken and completely comfortable in her routine. It was the parent teacher conference for a "typical" kindergarten student.

I left her conference feeling like I could literally burst with pride. It was like a dream or goal that has always been just slightly out of reach for her had finally come to be. It was years of hard work, many interventions, tons of doctors and specialists (her pediatrician, developmental pediatrician, Early Intervention staff, neurologist, speech therapists, occupational therapists, and physical therapists) and more tests than I could even begin to name, showing, in a big way, that it was all worth it. Every appointment, every phone call, every trip to the Early Intervention office, every drive to Boston, every IEP written, every joy, every doubt, every tear (and yes there were some on her part and mine), every milestone she hit along the way was all leading up to this moment in time...a moment in time that even during the most difficult periods, I always knew would come.

I left the conference feeling very reflective. Julia's journey has been remarkable. Nothing (from walking, to talking, to interacting, to yes, even eating) has come easy for her. So today, I found myself reading Julia's story...from the first moment I felt something was a little "different" about her (about nine months old) until this entry here. I read about the first time she walked at twenty months old and what a truly exciting and emotional time that was. I read about how she used to hate the Nuk brush and about how I had to give her salsa before breakfast to "wake her mouth up" so that she would try and eat different textures. I read about her abnormal EEG. I read about the time that I was excited about her jumping on the couch and how funny it was to be excited about that. I read it all. Then I copied and pasted in to a word document, which is 45 pages long, Julia's story. I will share it with her someday when she is old enough to understand and appreciate it. And I will read it again from time to time whenever I need or want to remember what a true inspiration she is.

In the never ending quest...

...for self improvement, I did the following things today:

-joined a gym for the first time in my life. The last time I got regular exercise (except for spots here in there for a week or two at a time) was probably high school gym class. That was 17 years ago. It's pathetic and shameful to even admit that but if I am not 100% honest and upfront about this I'll never break through whatever it is that has been holding me back. Besides the obvious physical benefits of exercise, I am almost just as much looking forward to the mental benefits. There is no doubt that a little boost of self confidence and faith in myself, both of which I have always lacked, will be a good thing.

-took out of the cabinet the 31 (yes 31) recipe/cookbooks that I have and haven't used in God knows how long so I can page through them, pick out recipes that I will use and compile them in to one spot (perhaps a binder with dividers). I really need to put more effort and more variety in to what I cook around here. The fact that I cook 95% of what we eat (as opposed to eating out or ordering in) is good but I could certainly be healthier about it than I am.

I have no idea what has taken me so long but, over the past couple of days, I have come to a lot of conclusions. The biggest and most important one? I need to do a hell of a lot better job taking care of myself than I do. Yes I am only 35, but at the same, time...I am 35. This is only going to get harder the older I get. I also can't help but think about how fast time passes. Do I really want to look, and more importantly feel this way for the next 35 years? I can't keep doing this to myself...or to my kids. I have so much more to offer them, but besides that, I want to be a good example. There are some parts of my life in which I do set a good example. In the area of self care, good examples for the kids are lacking...severely. I want them to grow up being confident, independent women. It's partly up to me to show them how to do that.

All of this is certainly motivation. The real motivation though is that I know, deep in my core, that I was given this life to serve a greater purpose. I don't feel like I am living up to what I know is my fullest potential and that is both physically and mentally painful. If I don't push through this and push on, I will never get to experience whatever this greater calling is (and I just know there is one). Knowing is half the battle...now it is time for action.

So as the saying goes: Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am done looking back. It's only forward motion from here.

Today

Today, Ryun got a job.

Today, for the first time in who knows how long I actually made a conscious effort to pray for something (in this case for Ryun to get a job).

Today, just a few short hours after I prayed for this, it came to be.

It's not the first time something like this has happened to me but each time it does, it stirs up feelings that are unexplainable. It makes me question even further exactly what I believe.

Not too long ago I finished reading the book, "Women, Food and God" written by Geneen Roth. As I always do, I went through the book highlighting parts that spoke to me or that I may want to refer back to. There was one part that described the author's feelings about a higher power. It was perhaps the single most reflective part of the whole book for me, in that it seemed to perfectly describe how I feel about "God" most of the time. Here it is.

"I don't believe in a God with long white hair and x ray vision that favors some people, some countries, some religions and not others. I don't believe in the sky dweller, the knower of all things, the granter of prayers. But I do believe in the world beyond appearances, and that there is so much that we can't see or touch or know just by looking. And I do believe-because I have experienced it again and again-that the world beyond appearances is as real as a chair, a dog, or a teapot. And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of the forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe if you follow this love all the way to it's end, if you start with the thing you find the most beautiful and trace it's perfume back to it's essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the thing you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon. I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only defintiion that makes any sense is one that uses this human life and its suffering-the very things we believe we need to hide or fix-as a path to the heart of love itself."

I don't know by who or what my prayers were answered-or if Ryun's getting a job just hours after I asked for it to be was mere coincidence. I'd like to think that it wasn't though. There is something comforting in knowing that the universe was looking out for me and that maybe, just maybe there is some greater being listening to and answering my prayers.

History...Part Two

What follows is the blog entry I wrote on September 11th, 2002.

One year. The days have passed so quickly. Some days were filled with fear, others with grief, and some just seemed like regular days.

Life has gone on. Not to downplay or undermine the fear or the grief but, we had to go on. We as Americans as difficult as it has been and may continue to be, had to show the world that we will not cower to acts of terrorism. The pride, the commitment, the American dream whatever you may perceive that to be, has never been stronger. The terrorists successfully knocked down two American landmarks and damaged another. The one thing they will never succeed in doing is knocking down or harming in any way American pride. It has always been here and it always will. Nobody will ever take that away, nobody ever could.

When I think of September 11th, I can't help but think of the children whose parents were taken away from them so abruptly. I think of the first group of Americans to declare a war on terrorism...the brave passengers of flight 93 who valiantly and successfully prevented the potential loss of many more lives. I think of the heroes, the men and women who thought nothing of their own lives to save the lives of others. Is there anything more noble or admirable than that? I don't think so.

I have the privilege and honor of living in a country where freedom prevails. I have a wonderful family and friends and the two most precious children in the world. During life's hard times, if I remember all of that, I will be much better off than a lot of people in this world.

In honor and tribute to the victims and heroes of September 11, 2001...with gratitude beyond words for the brave men and women serving our country today... may we never forget their sacrifices, may we never forget how fortunate we are.

Have you ever...

...had one of those days where you feel so incredibly lucky to have the life that you do? Sometimes it takes nothing to remind me of this. Other times, something happens that puts my life so clearly in to perspective, that it is almost impossible to see it in any other way but blessed. In either instance, there is no denying how very fortunate and lucky I am.

Yup...I cried...

...when the kids got off the bus. It was really all Julia's fault...well Julia and her teacher's.

I think my Facebook status from yesterday sums it up nicely: "Yeah so I totally cried when I went through Julia's IEP progress reports/report card. This girl has made such a dramatic leap from where she was just a short time ago. What really did it though was the 8x10 framed photo of Julia with a note from the teacher on the back. Lets not even get to the thank you note her teacher wrote for the end of the year gift we gave her. I was literally a mess this afternoon!"

When I look way back to when Julia was first identified as having delays...when I remember the girl who didn't take her first step until she was 20 months old...the girl that I actually had to teach to eat...the girl who barely spoke a word until she was two...to the girl who has met every single benchmark and goal set for her in PT, OT, Speech and Language, ELA and Math, so much so that she will be going forth next year with no IEP or special ed services at all, I can't help but be overwhelmed with sheer joy and emotion. Along with the joy comes an immense sense of accomplishment (on her part and mine) and such an intense feeling of pride that words can't even begin to explain.

Here she is...on her last day of school for this year.

Your obligatory end of the school year post...

...just wouldn't be complete with out a quick reference to how quickly the school year flew by, how I wish I could stop time, and how it doesn't seem possible that next school year I will be the mother of an 8th and 5th grader, as well as a kindergartner (take 2)!

As in years past, I am sure the kids will come off of the bus cheering summer's arrival and, in keeping with tradition, I will join in with them. There will be many "hooray's", "woo hoos" and screams of joy as we say goodbye to another school year and hello to a summer full of possibilities. New this year will be a an "Aloha To School, Aloha To Summer" party which will be celebrated poolside with my father. The party will include fun things like flower lei's, drinks with umbrella's in them, and a "summer fun" bag filled with all kinds of summer things like bubbles, sidewalk chalk, jump ropes, summer reading books, flip flops, and crayons and coloring books for those rainy days. I am also going to make (tonight because you all know how I love love love the last minute!) "Summer Fun Gift Cards" good for things like trips to the beach, an ice cream cone at the place of their choice (please kids, pick Peaceful Meadows or Erickson's), trips to the library, arts and crafts days at home, and trips to the zoo. I can't wait to see how excited and happy they will be when they see all this.

Oh summer, I have missed you. Welcome back...and please feel free to take an extended stay!

The Car Story

Ryun just left to get an estimate on how much it will cost to fix the back bumper of the van.



About a week ago, it was hit while in a parking lot at a store near my sisters house. It was dark out so we didn't even notice it when we came back out of the store but shortly after, I saw a note on my windshield. When we got back to her house, I read the note which, from the tone and handwriting I could clearly tell was written by a teen. I found the damaged bumper (which is actually not the bumper but a plastic covering type thing that goes over it)and went in to give the number a call. I got a voice mail and left my information. It was even more obvious by the sound of the girl's voice on the message that it was a kid. She called me back the next day (a call I missed because I was dealing with Emily who had just slammed her fingers in the car door)and left me an apologetic, possibly even tearful message, about how sorry she was. She also said that her father would like to pay for the damage out of pocket rather than go through insurance if that was ok with us. I had Ryun call her back to tell her that would be fine and we would call back with the estimate we would get sometime in the next couple of weeks. The poor girl was even tearful with Ryun.

I tell you this story because I was in awe of this girl and her moral responsibility and honesty. It probably would have been easy enough for her to leave the scene since I wasn't there. Instead, she did the right thing...left a note and is (with the help of her father) taking responsibility for her actions. I said to Ryun that it was clear that this child had been and was being raised "right." It was a nice thing to see and when we call her back with the details of the cost, I am going to make sure to tell her just that.

*UPDATE* Ryun just got back from Lenny's...cost to fix? $1100! YIKES! Apparently there is actual damage to the bumper and metal frame underneath. That price includes a four day rental at $45 per day because it will take 4 days to fix.

Love This Quote!

When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. ~Edward Teller~

MA PTA

Here is a lovely article about MA PTA's 100th Anniversary Celebration held a couple of weeks ago. It really was a phenomenal weekend that I took a lot from.

I am looking forward to becoming more involved on the state level with my new position on the Board Of Directors as the Advocacy Chair. It's funny; my increasing involvement in advocacy for children and education, as well as my growing concern and involvement in local government affairs is like the realization of a dream I never knew I had. Everyday, it becomes more clear that being an active, participating member of society, advocating for the needs of children especially, but really being as involved as possible on all levels, is what I was born to do. It's truly empowering, and it feels good!

Hello...It's Destiny Calling!

Yesterday I tweeted that I wanted the annoying pain in my neck to be gone (literal pain in the neck...I am not referring to a person here) and I woke up this morning and? It's gone. Y'all might remember a few entries back I had posted about creating my own destiny. I blogged about something I wanted to happen and it did. Two for two? Doesn't seem like a bad record to me. Maybe I am on to something here. So, I am going to do something I have always wanted to do...make a "bucket list." Then, I am going to share some of the things on the list here, on Twitter and on Facebook. Who knows what could happen!

Gotta Keep Reading!

Someone I went to high school with teaches at a middle school in FL where they really get the kids excited about reading. They are filming for Oprah tomorrow. How cool is that? Check out the amazing video!

Time, Music, The Great Outdoors and My Camera

It is amazing what a difference those four things can make when it comes to my frame of mind. I especially find the combination of my camera and getting outside with it work wonders.

I took these pictures this morning after the kids got on the bus. As much of a pain in the backside snow can be (literally and figuratively), it helps for me to remind myself just how pretty it can be. Case in point:

All I Have To Do Is Dream

I am a big believer that my dreams, especially vivid ones with strong symbols are one of the most defining ways my body and mind "communicate" with me. My dreams are very telling sometimes, and occasionally even psychic in that I will dream something before it (or something very similar) occurs. I have had two recent dreams that spoke to my waking life in clear and concise ways.

The first was a dream that I was in an auditorium watching a performance, in which I was slated to go on stage during the 3rd act. There was a brief intermission between the 2nd and 3rd acts and I had to leave the auditorium during the time. I was walking the halls nervous that I was going to miss my performance and was reassuring myself that if I missed my cue, it wouldn't be the end of the world and maybe just maybe I was supposed to miss it. The biggest symbol of this dream was the stage and my not being present on it. When I looked up the meaning behind dreaming of a stage, the dictionary said that to dream of yourself on stage means that you are putting on an act and not being true to yourself. One of my biggest goals this year is to "remember me." I am determined to take better care of myself. In short, I am putting myself back on my to do list. This dream was very clearly telling me (by my not being present on the stage) that it is time to be true to myself.

The second dream was of me literally pulling the roots of a tree right out of the ground. I knew the meaning of this before I even looked. Clearly, it is time to "uproot" my life. Rearrange, reassess and remember that I need to take care of me.

On that note? I am going to go set up my profile on Wii Fit and check out the Biggest Loser Wii game!

Perspective

Julia to me (after Ryun and I were discussing the yucky, cold weather): "Mom, I am glad summer is over. The sun was always getting in my eyes and it hurt." Perspective is everything!

Spring...Right Around The Corner

It's a beautiful day in in good old New England...near 60 degrees, sunny, and a picture perfect clear, blue sky. I have been craving, in a big way some outdoor time...time to be outside in the elements, just taking it all in. I decided that today would be the perfect day to head south...to the Cape Cod Canal. I always forget how much I love that place until I return. It's just so peaceful...so beautiful...and just what I needed to lift me a little further out of the depths of the winter blues. Because let's just face it...I am a happier person when I am outside and not freezing...surrounded by nature...totally in tune with the world around me. Nothing speaks to me on a deeper level.

My Mantra For The New Year

"I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me."

Lyrics by Jewel.

I love this song, and, even though the rest of the verses don't apply, the chorus really does.