Do you ever...

...just want to apologize to your kids for their poor fortune in inheriting your worst qualities and traits?  Or for their genetic makeup that was not of their choosing(obviously)?  I don't know...maybe I am the only one. 

I was thinking about this after a recent discussion with Katherine's teacher.  You all know (well anybody that has been following this blog for a while knows) that my oldest daughter Emily has ADD.  I don't think I or my parents necessarily realized it at the time but reflecting back, and looking at myself now as an adult, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I am the picture perfect painting of someone with attentional issues.  It manifests in different ways as an adult.  I am the world's worst procrastinator(though I do find that under pressure is the only way I work to my capacity).  I jump from one thing to another before I have finished the first thing.  My follow through skills leave a lot to be desired.  I would literally forget my entire life if I didn't have it staring me down in multiple locations...calendars, post it notes, electronic devices etc.  I can't even tell you what I am doing tomorrow without consulting my calendar.  I don't plan anything that I am not forced to (for example scheduled appointments).

For Emily, her concerns are a direct result of her confirmed medical issues.  After she was diagnosed with Epilepsy, as part of a normal barrage of testing to find out if her seizures had a definable cause, her MRI came back showing a "never before seen" abnormality in the frontal lobes of her brain.  Since the frontal lobes control all things like attention and other executive functions, Emily's concerns in this area make sense.  Though I have never had an MRI of my brain, I have no reason to believe that I have this same condition, nor do I for Katherine who is progressively displaying some of the same symptoms her sister and I have displayed, and some different ones as well.

It becomes clearer to me as we move through this life that these types of things obviously "run" in families.  Whether there is an identifiable medical concern that could cause such attention deficits as in Emily's case, or if it is some intricate part of our genetic make up, I do not know.  It is possible that simply the way we live our everyday lives has some influence on this as well.  Are we making the right decisions about certain things?  Could situations be handled in different ways achieving different outcomes in regard to the level of attention that is given?

I don't know the answers and I suspect I never will, at least not in a concrete sort of way.  What I do know is this: I need to get rid of the guilt. I also need to remind myself that they may have gotten the worst but they also got the best of me.  And if the best of me is some of what I see in them everyday?  The best of me is pretty damn good.

If someone could please tell me...

...how it is even possible that next week I will be going to an informational meeting at Middleboro High School for parents of incoming first year students, that would be great.

And really how does this happen in what literally feels like the blink of an eye?

She was just two weeks old in that picture and I swear to God and all that is holy it was just like yesterday that I took that.

Anniversary

Nine years ago this month, I started blogging. Wow. To put that in perspective, Emily was just four years old, Katherine was almost two and Julia had not yet graced us with her presence. The girls are now thirteen, almost eleven ,and six. Somehow, nine years seems even longer when I think about it in those terms.

Nine years of my life have been chronicled for the world to see. This blog (and other incarnations of it) has been with me through many trials and tribulations, births and deaths, joys and sadness. It has helped see things in a different light, made me laugh, and made me cry, either through my writing or responses to it. It has been therapeutic in ways that I couldn't even begin to express. Perhaps most importantly it has helped me remember...remember some of the little things that I otherwise may have forgotten as time passing tends to make us do...remember some of the big things that maybe I might have wanted to forget but can now refer back to and see what lessons can be learned...remember the great joys, great difficulties, the happiness,the sadness and everything in between that the past nine years of my life has brought.

I have no plans to ever give this up...writing that is. Whether it will always take the form of a blog...who knows. What I know for sure that this outlet has been one of the most rewarding and fulfilling parts of my life and one that I plan to explore for many years to come.

"Testing...1...2...3"

"There's a change of clothes in the bottom of your bag in case you get wet."

"Be careful and listen to all the rules...especially the ones the instructors tell you about during your lesson."

"Make sure you keep your money in it's designated spot...your cell phone too."

"Always make sure you are with someone...you know like the buddy system. Never ski alone."

"Remember you only have a specific amount of money and a couple of packed snacks. So if you eat all of your snacks on the way there and you get hungry on the way home, you won't have anything left to eat. Also, make sure you spend your money wisely!"

These comments (and probably a few more I am not remembering), were all made by me to Emily on the way to the school this morning. I had to drop her off bright and early (5:45) so she could catch the bus with student council and go on her first ever ski trip.

This was one of those, "Oh my God I am a Mom" moments and a "Oh my God I sound like my Mom" moments all rolled in to one.

In replaying this in my head, I wonder just how annoying I must have sounded to Emily. Probably very I am guessing.

When we pulled in to the parking lot she wanted to get out and walk to the bus by herself. I said, "C'mon let me just walk you to the bus." With a quick roll of the eyes she agreed and I did...so what if the bus was parked right in front of the school and I was parked in the front row. She boarded and was on her way.

She's home now and of course, she's fine. She didn't lose a single thing and only has one bruise from a fall in which her ski somehow ended up coming in to contact with her hip. She came home with no money (which was ok) and according to her account, she managed to spread it out and make it last.

I am wondering if she would have come home the same way if I didn't say any of what I said.

I don't often second guess myself when it comes to these types of things and I am not really doing that now either. Even if saying what I said only benefited me and had no bearing on her day at all, saying it made me feel better. I am sure, sometime way down the line (perhaps when she is having a moment like this with her own child) she will look back and realize my motivation was purely out of love and concern for her.

Still, I can totally relate to how difficult it can be being the oldest child and I told her that this morning. I explained how she was more than likely going to be the first to do many things and because she was the first, she would probably have to endure more of the parental worry and concern than her sisters. Of course the concern will be there for each child as the venture off in to independence but as most parents know, once one child does something and does it successfully, the nerves and concern lessen and each successive child will have to endure it less. She seemed to understand this.

It's during times like these that I am amazed by how life comes full circle. I could swear it was just the other day when I was having conversations like this with my own mother.

The Sex Talk...

...And Why Raising A Daughter In This Day and Age Scares The Hell Out Of Me.

Things like this scare the hell out of me. At 13, and even, dare I say 15, sex wasn't even on my radar (well, it may have been a bit more on the radar at 15 than 13 but was still something I would never have considered even doing, had the opportunity even presented itself). It's not like it was as unheard of back in my day as it would have been back in say my parents day, but the frequency of these types of stories seemed a lot farther and fewer between. It seems like every day we are hearing more and more sexually inappropriate stories and of children becoming adults way before their time (the recent story of a 13 year old boy texting a nude photograph of his naked teenage girlfriend comes to mind). I guess my big question is what has happened? Where has the responsibility and moral goodness gone?

Please don't misunderstand. I am not one that thinks sex should wait for marriage. I believe that it is something that should be reserved for a committed relationship, and not something that should be done, at least as a teenager, just for the heck of it. To me, it seems like in this time, that sex has lost some of it's "specialness" because it appears to be entered in to in many cases without a care, or perhaps, consideration for what it really could mean.

The part that scares me to death is the part that involves my three daughters going out in to a world where there are 13 year old boys and 15 year old girls (and in some cases younger) having sex. Where there are girls that are allowing their boyfriends to take nude photographs of them. Where there are boys sending said photographs out to the world. Then, there is also the part where I constantly second guess if I am doing a good job. Where I frequently wonder if, as the girls get older, my influence will be enough to help them make positive decisions about sex, and about major life choices in general.

No one ever said this parenting thing was easy. They weren't kidding.

The Right Stuff

On Sunday evening, I went to see New Kids On The Block at the Garden. I am pretty sure the infatuation I had as a teen? Is back full force because seriously? I think it was the best concert EVER, including the 4 times I saw them as a kid. It took me back...it took me way back.

Hard to Tell

Which is the front and which is the back, isn't it?
Katherine? Definitely got her father's hair. In these pictures, I have pulled some of her hair from the sides to cover her face, and left the back as is. I miss my thick (er) hair, but even at it's thickest? It was never Katherine's.

Did I Blog About This Already?

Can't remember. Anyway, for all you 30 somethings (in particular female 30 somethings) out there, I give you this news as one sure-fire way to re-live the "good old days."

Drum roll please.......

New Kids On The Block are reuniting! (See story here).

I am SO going to that concert!

Back In Time

While looking over the selection of ground beef at Hannaford yesterday, some one bumped in to me, and said in a creepy voice, "Which meat looks best to you?" My first thought was, Do I have a sign on me that says please be rude and bump into me while I am shopping?" Then, I looked up, and was simultaneously transported back in time, about 15 years to my junior year in high school. You see it was my favorite teacher, my American History teacher, faculty member in charge of the student council, and the teacher, I along with a number of other students went to New York City with to participate in Model UN. It was so cool to run in to him! He knew my mother who worked (actually still does work) in the school system, and had both of my sisters in his class following me so we played catch up. I gave him the low down on me (married, stay at home mom of three girls etc) and he said, "Wow, three girls! So your house is full of drama, huh?" "Yup, pretty much," I said.

You know...

...people always talk about how it's such a shame that kids don't "play" anymore, like back in the "old days." They think that kids spend too much time on the computer, or watching tv, rather than playing with actual toys or (GASP) going outside.

Here's my " I am having a Mom moment" response to that: Computers and tv? At least they don't turn your living room in to a bomb scene. At least they don't have small frickin' parts that, no matter how successful you think you were at getting your three year old to clean them up, there is always that one that somehow got missed and manages to find it's way under your foot causing you to yelp in pain and practically fall and break your neck (No, that's never happened to me, why do you ask?). Small parts, I've decided should be outlawed. There a pain in the ass, literally and figuratively.

So there.

Conversation

Julia: "Here Auntie (as she hands Heather a cassette tape she found in the porch)."

Heather: "Julia, what is this?"

Julia: (BLANK STARE)

Me: "Heather, she was born in 2004, she won't know what that is. Show her a CD and we may have a different story."

Food

In a never ending quest to decide what actually is healthy in regard to what I eat, a few weeks ago, I decided to shop organically, at least as much as I possibly could using the local Hannaford's down the street. I was pleasantly surprised with the selection they did have and managed to get 75% of what I bought organic. I was not surprised with the cost, although I did audibly suck my breath in when the total bill came to $235. I am used to spending about $150 or so (using coupons and store sales I generally save about $30 per week...otherwise the bill would be closer to $180).

I wanted to see if it made any difference in my life at all...would I feel better? Worse? The same? I realize that one week of changing to organic might not be enough to notice much, but I didn't notice anything at all. I tend to believe that it probably is better for you in the long run(it just doesn't seem like adding all kinds of chemicals to something could actually be good for you), but someone needs to find a way to make it more affordable or I won't be taking part.

I often wonder why "things" were ever added to food to begin with. It seems to me that everyone is telling you all natural is the way to go nowadays, so at some point, did they used to think that added "ingredients" were healthy for you? Back in the day, way back in the day, the people ate the food "as is." Why did they ever start adding preservatives and chemicals and whatever else if they were just going to go back to saying all natural works best? It doesn't sense.

I am of the belief anyway, that what might work today, might not work tomorrow, and could go back to working the next day. The truth is we are all built and wired differently so making blanket statements about what works will not necessarily be true for everyone, and, it's damned near impossible to keep up with anyway.

A Different World

An 11 year old girl was arrested in Alabama for drunk driving.

Two 10 and 12 year old girls were arrested for kidnapping a 1 year old boy from his house at 5am, and leaving a ransom note, demanding $200, 000 for his return.

The other night at the carnival, Ryun and Emily overheard a conversation that went like this:

Preteen boy: "I respect your sexuality."

Preteen girl: "I'm sorry I am a (and I quote) Lesbo."

At Emily's last physical, the doctor told me that now was the time to start the "drugs are bad" discussion with Emily, and that the highest rate of first time smokers among youth are just 11 years old.

Yup, it's a different world.

Time

After many houses and a lot of walking last night, Katherine decided that she was too tired to continue and wanted to head back to Mimi and Papa's house to wait for Daddy and Emily to be done. It just so happened that she came to this decision right at the old path through the woods that leads from Watson to Thatcher Street, a path that I ran through countless times in my youth. The woods were a prime location for hiding during whole neighborhood hide and seek games, or for riding your bike through when trying to race your friends from one part of the neighborhood to the other.

For old times sake, I decided to "cut through the woods" (a phrase that brings back more childhood memories than I can possibly put here) with Katherine. As we started done the path, it became apparent that it was way too overgrown to continue, epsecially in the dark with only the glow of a small flashlight to guide our way. It's funny...I still know that path like I just ran through it yesterday. I could still make it out somewhat but it was just too dangerous to go any further.

It had been a long time since that path was used.

For a brief moment though, while standing in the beginning of the path, I could swear I heard the leaves crunching beneath the weight of a bike, a child counting loudly (ONE TWO THREE....) and the laughter of small childrens they ran through the woods to the other side.

Me At Seven Years Or So

Yours truly at the age of about 7, I think. Our team was called the "Pearly Whites" because we were sponsored by a dentist, LOL.

I can see how Katherine looks like me in this picture, although my red hair just throws me for a loop with the whole "resemblence" thing.

Old Family Photo

This a picture of my maternal grandparents. My grandfather (Papa) was meeting his daughter, my mother, for the first time, at 8 months old. He was stationed in Korea when she was born.

Isn't that a great shot?

Holy Crap...

...I am old.

I just got the letter from Katherine's Girl Scout leaders, welcoming her to the troop and one of her leaders is actually a girl that grew up in my neighborhood (well during the early years anyway).

In reality, she's about the same age as my sister Heather (25 or so) but in my personal reality, she's still supposed to be about 6, running around the hood, being the evil little brat that she always was (and was she ever...let's hope maturity has brought a little change of heart about).

Instead, she is going to be one of Katherine's Girl Scout leaders.

Holy crap.

This comes at a time of course, when I am already freaking about my age...31 is worse then 30 I think (well I won't officially be 31 for another couple of weeks). Saying I am 31 though, means that I am actually "in my 30's."

It's really not so bad I guess.

Now if Oldies 103 would stop playing songs that came out like, you know, last week.

A Priceless Moment...From My Early Years

Without fail, everytime I hear this, I get all teary-eyed.

Why?

Because that's my father, quite purposefully singing the classic, "Daddy's Little Girl" to me, when I was all of about 2 years old.

Thanks to modern technology, my Aunt has managed to put this, as well as a few other classic moments from my early childhood on CD.

It's priceless, no?

That's my grandmother, Nana, on the piano, BTW.