Get A Grip

You know, I am not one to casually brush aside someone's feelings as if they were inconsequential and didn't matter. I am actually considered by others to be a very good listener and can generally see things from many varied perspectives. I wonder why it is so hard for me to treat myself the same way I would others. I have a feeling it has something to do with needing to be in control...not of others but of myself. It's almost as if an internal light flashes in warning if there is any indication that I might lose it.

Take for example the situation I am in right now. For reasons that I may get in to at some point in another entry, I had to pull out Emily's seizure journal (a complete record of every seizure, test, Dr.'s appointment and blog entry I have ever written in that regard) and the results of neuro-psych testing she had done almost three and a half years ago. Of course, I couldn't just get the needed information out; I had to read it all too. In what I think is a quite natural and appropriate response when I think about it in retrospect, I was teary eyed and my stomach was in knots reading it. So why then does the voice in my head tell me while it is happening to stop being so silly, stop crying, suck it up and get a bleeping grip?

This is just one example of many in which I find myself, unnecessarily trying to keep my emotions in check. I have no idea what this is all about. Thoughts?